My Grief Care

Relationships After Loss

5 Episodes

Episode 4 : Grief Can Cause You to Re-evaluate Relationships

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Episode Notes

Re-evaluating Relationships

Relationships will change throughout your life.  They may have seasons for many reasons. After a significant loss, you are different and your needs are different.  You may be a different friend right now as you won’t have the same ability to be there for your friends because of your pain.  You may be looking through a different lens.

I found many things foolish and unimportant after my husband died, but these things were still important to my friends.  I just couldn’t see them the same way – especially the things they might worry or complain about.  Who was wrong?  Them or me?  Neither.  But I had to be careful not to judge them.  And they had to be careful not to judge the way I was grieving – thinking I should be better than I was. Do you see how it goes both ways?

Some friendships may not withstand your grief for various reasons.  You may be too much for a friend to handle or you may not have the energy to deal with some of your more difficult or needy friends.  Sometimes, it is time to let some friendships go – and that’s okay.  If you have toxic relationships, grief may shine a bright light on them.

I disappointed some of my friends because I gave them a lot of attention when my husband was alive and when he died, I just didn’t have it in me – and it hurt them.  Years later, I am healthier and have experienced healing and some of those relationships have been revived but they drifted away for a while.  I also created and nourished new relationships because I had changed and didn’t connect in the same way with some of my friends.  I am not sure why.

So what do you need in a friend right now? There is an exercise that you can download that is going to help you figure this out.  You are going to look at a need you have and see who can help you with it.  We have suggested some needs and we have left blank spaces so you can add your own.  This can be a great exercise to do with a friend if you are not up to it.

And if you really want to dig deeper into this, watch our Building Your Support Team series. What we are doing here is a much simpler evaluation, but sometimes, that’s all we can handle right now

The second exercise is a look at how your relationships have changed since your loss.  Have they been negatively or positively impacted, and if so, is there anything you can do about it?

And finally, there is an exercise that just makes you think about why these relationships may have changed, and maybe it’s not that they “don’t care” or “ditched you”.

Could it be:

  • They don’t know what to do or say to help you feel better and it hurts them to watch.
  • You live different lifestyles now.
  • They cannot understand you as they have never experienced something like this.
  • This is reminding them of their own hurts.
  • They want you to move on and get over it and you are not ready for that.
  • It is hard for them to see you without seeing the person you lost.
  • They are tired of hearing you talk about your pain and loss.
  • They called you and reached out to you and you didn’t respond
  • You don’t fit in their social group anymore.
  • You are so preoccupied with your own pain and loss that you don’t listen to them anymore.
  • You are pretty needy right now.
  • They didn’t invite you to an event because they may have thought it would be difficult for you.
  • They didn’t invite you to an event because it was uncomfortable for them.
  • They think you may be a threat to their marriage
  • Your mood brings them down and they don’t want a Debbie Downer.
  • They needed you and you weren’t there for them because of your own pain.

KEY POINTS:

  • After a major change in your life, like that caused by losing a loved one, you change and your needs change.
  • This can be a good time to reevaluate your relationships.

STEPPING STONE:

  • Am I judging my friends and are they judging me?
  • Do the 3 exercises included in this series.  You can download them or look at them and write the answers in a journal.
  • If you are ready to dive deeper and really look at your support system so that we can create a strong team for you, please watch the Building Your Support Team series.

REFLECTION:

You are different after a major loss and your needs are different.  Life changes like this are a good time to take a look at your relationships and discover ways to improve them or possibly let them go for a time.

NEED Who can help me?
Organize
Share problems
Give good advice
Talk about my loss
Have some fun
Just be with me and not try to fix me
Accept me as I am
Exercise with me/take a walk
Laugh with me
Discuss family issues
Go shopping/run errands
Tell me the truth when I don’t like it
Listen to me
Have lunch or dinner
Share my faith
Help with tasks that need to be done
Try something new with me
Help with children

 

HOW HAVE MY RELATIONSHIPS CHANGED SINCE THE LOSS?

 

WHY MIGHT SOME OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS CHANGED?

Let’s take some time to reflect on what might be going on instead of just assuming “they ditched us” or “don’t care”.

  • They don’t know what to do or say to help me feel better and it hurts them to watch.
  • We live different lifestyles now.
  • They cannot understand me as they have never experienced something like this.
  • This is reminding them of their own hurts.
  • They want me to move on and get over it and I am not ready for that.
  • It is hard for them to see my without seeing the person I lost.
  • They are tired of hearing me talk about my pain and loss.
  • They called me and reached out to me and I didn’t respond
  • I don’t fit in their social group anymore.
  • I am so preoccupied with my own pain and loss that I don’t listen to them anymore.
  • I am pretty needy right now.
  • They didn’t invite me to an event because they may have thought it would be difficult for me.
  • They didn’t invite me to an event because it was uncomfortable for them.
  • They think I may be a threat to their marriage
  • My mood brings them down and they don’t want a Debbie Downer.
  • They needed me and I wasn’t there for them because of my own pain.