- Introduction
- Understanding Grief
- People Grieve Differently
- The Brain Fog of Grief
- The Vocabulary of Grief
- Grievers Don’t Need to be Fixed
- Misconceptions About Grief
- There Are No Orderly and Predictable Stages In Grief
- When Caring People Say Dumb Things When You’re Grieving
- What to Say to Others When You’re Grieving
- The Impact of Who you Lost and How you Lost Them
- Heavy Grief Days
- The Grief Letter
- Ways to Remember Them
- Permissions for Grievers
- Creating Bright Spots in the Midst of Grief
- Why Are Many Grievers Not Comfortable Crying In Front of Others?
- Why Grievers Don’t Need to Be Strong
- Do I Just Need Time to Heal From Grief?
- Why Do Grieving People Get the Message They Shouldn’t Be Sad?
- Is Staying Busy Good for Grief?
- The Isolation of Grief
- Can You Fill the Void Left by the Death of Loved One?
- How Long Does the Pain of Grief Last?
- How Do You Get Over Grief?
- I Don’t Want to Forget My Loved One Who Died
- Relationships Change After Loss
- Why Don’t Friends and Family Understand Your Grief?
- How to Tell Others What You Need in Your Grief
- Grief Can Cause You to Re-evaluate Relationships
- I Lost My Spouse and My Friends
- All the Phases in the Grief Journey
- I’m Grieving and Just Barely Surviving
- Why Do I Feel Like I Am Just Existing in My Grief?
- When Will I Be Ready for Grief Counseling?
- Can You Heal Your Grief?
- Living Again After Losing a Loved One
- How Grief Affects Mental Health
- Grief & Depression
- How Trauma Affects Your Grief
- Co-Dependency and Grief
- Should I take medication for my grief?
- The Uniqueness of Grieving A Suicide
- Suicide Shock: I Can’t Believe They Did It
- Feeling Blame and Shame After a Suicide
- The Abandonment of Suicide
- The Stigma of Suicide
- Interview with widow who lost two husbands by suicide
- Losing Your Husband to Suicide
- What To Do With Your Loved One’s Belongings After They Die
- No Cost Financial Coaching & Planning for Widows: Chris Bentley
- Hope When Shattered By Grief
- Answers to Your Questions About Grief
- Introduction
- Is Being Angry at God a Sin After My Loved One Died?
- Where Did My Peace, Joy and Gratitude Go after I lost my loved one?
- Can Grief and Hope Co-Exist?
- Why Does God Heal Some People But Not Others?
- Is Suicide an Unforgivable Sin?
- Why Do I Dislike Platitudes and Bible Verses?
- Why Did God Let My Loved One Die?
- Surviving The Holidays
- I Lost Myself When My Husband Died
- When Widowed Pain Feels Like Homesickness
- No Cost Financial Coaching & Planning For Widows: Chris Bentley
- The Best Grief Retreat for Widows
- I Lost My Husband By Suicide. Now What?
- An Interview With A Woman Who Lost Two Husbands By Suicide
- I Lost My Spouse and My Friends
- A Widow’s Guide to the Stages of Grief
- 7 year anniversary of the sudden death of my husband
- The Trauma and Grief of Widows Who Were Caregivers
- The Captive Widow: Navigating Obstacles to Widow Healing
- Understanding the Widow’s Brain
Relationships After Loss
5 Episodes
All Series
-
Foundations Of Grief
14 Episodes -
Misconceptions About Grief
12 Episodes -
Relationships After Loss
5 Episodes -
Widow Grief
12 Episodes -
The Grief Journey
6 Episodes -
Grief & Mental Health
5 Episodes -
Grieving A Suicide
6 Episodes -
Conversations On Grief
4 Episodes -
Questions Grieving Christians Ask
8 Episodes -
Coping With The Holidays and Other Tough Special Days
1 Episodes
Relationships After Loss
5 Episodes
Episode 4 : Grief Can Cause You to Re-evaluate Relationships
Downloads
Episode NotesRe-evaluating Relationships
Relationships will change throughout your life. They may have seasons for many reasons. After a significant loss, you are different and your needs are different. You may be a different friend right now as you won’t have the same ability to be there for your friends because of your pain. You may be looking through a different lens.
I found many things foolish and unimportant after my husband died, but these things were still important to my friends. I just couldn’t see them the same way – especially the things they might worry or complain about. Who was wrong? Them or me? Neither. But I had to be careful not to judge them. And they had to be careful not to judge the way I was grieving – thinking I should be better than I was. Do you see how it goes both ways?
Some friendships may not withstand your grief for various reasons. You may be too much for a friend to handle or you may not have the energy to deal with some of your more difficult or needy friends. Sometimes, it is time to let some friendships go – and that’s okay. If you have toxic relationships, grief may shine a bright light on them.
I disappointed some of my friends because I gave them a lot of attention when my husband was alive and when he died, I just didn’t have it in me – and it hurt them. Years later, I am healthier and have experienced healing and some of those relationships have been revived but they drifted away for a while. I also created and nourished new relationships because I had changed and didn’t connect in the same way with some of my friends. I am not sure why.
So what do you need in a friend right now? There is an exercise that you can download that is going to help you figure this out. You are going to look at a need you have and see who can help you with it. We have suggested some needs and we have left blank spaces so you can add your own. This can be a great exercise to do with a friend if you are not up to it.
And if you really want to dig deeper into this, watch our Building Your Support Team series. What we are doing here is a much simpler evaluation, but sometimes, that’s all we can handle right now
The second exercise is a look at how your relationships have changed since your loss. Have they been negatively or positively impacted, and if so, is there anything you can do about it?
And finally, there is an exercise that just makes you think about why these relationships may have changed, and maybe it’s not that they “don’t care” or “ditched you”.
Could it be:
- They don’t know what to do or say to help you feel better and it hurts them to watch.
- You live different lifestyles now.
- They cannot understand you as they have never experienced something like this.
- This is reminding them of their own hurts.
- They want you to move on and get over it and you are not ready for that.
- It is hard for them to see you without seeing the person you lost.
- They are tired of hearing you talk about your pain and loss.
- They called you and reached out to you and you didn’t respond
- You don’t fit in their social group anymore.
- You are so preoccupied with your own pain and loss that you don’t listen to them anymore.
- You are pretty needy right now.
- They didn’t invite you to an event because they may have thought it would be difficult for you.
- They didn’t invite you to an event because it was uncomfortable for them.
- They think you may be a threat to their marriage
- Your mood brings them down and they don’t want a Debbie Downer.
- They needed you and you weren’t there for them because of your own pain.
KEY POINTS:
- After a major change in your life, like that caused by losing a loved one, you change and your needs change.
- This can be a good time to reevaluate your relationships.
STEPPING STONE:
- Am I judging my friends and are they judging me?
- Do the 3 exercises included in this series. You can download them or look at them and write the answers in a journal.
- If you are ready to dive deeper and really look at your support system so that we can create a strong team for you, please watch the Building Your Support Team series.
REFLECTION:
You are different after a major loss and your needs are different. Life changes like this are a good time to take a look at your relationships and discover ways to improve them or possibly let them go for a time.
NEED | Who can help me? |
Organize | |
Share problems | |
Give good advice | |
Talk about my loss | |
Have some fun | |
Just be with me and not try to fix me | |
Accept me as I am | |
Exercise with me/take a walk | |
Laugh with me | |
Discuss family issues | |
Go shopping/run errands | |
Tell me the truth when I don’t like it | |
Listen to me | |
Have lunch or dinner | |
Share my faith |
Help with tasks that need to be done | |
Try something new with me | |
Help with children |
HOW HAVE MY RELATIONSHIPS CHANGED SINCE THE LOSS?
WHY MIGHT SOME OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS CHANGED?
Let’s take some time to reflect on what might be going on instead of just assuming “they ditched us” or “don’t care”.
- They don’t know what to do or say to help me feel better and it hurts them to watch.
- We live different lifestyles now.
- They cannot understand me as they have never experienced something like this.
- This is reminding them of their own hurts.
- They want me to move on and get over it and I am not ready for that.
- It is hard for them to see my without seeing the person I lost.
- They are tired of hearing me talk about my pain and loss.
- They called me and reached out to me and I didn’t respond
- I don’t fit in their social group anymore.
- I am so preoccupied with my own pain and loss that I don’t listen to them anymore.
- I am pretty needy right now.
- They didn’t invite me to an event because they may have thought it would be difficult for me.
- They didn’t invite me to an event because it was uncomfortable for them.
- They think I may be a threat to their marriage
- My mood brings them down and they don’t want a Debbie Downer.
- They needed me and I wasn’t there for them because of my own pain.