You know that if you have experienced an excruciating loss, you are not the same person you were. We tend to long for those things that we can no longer have, and the things that may have once brought us joy may not any longer. It can be a time of confusion and doubt about our future and who we are – and we wonder if we’ll ever be happy again.

I would love to give you just a little encouragement to take the bold step of trying to find a couple of new things to bring you some bright spots in the midst of the journey of grief.

For me, there were two very unexpected things I discovered that brightened my heart after my husband died: Paris and 80’s rock concerts. I can’t explain why these two things were bright spots, but they were.

I felt something come alive in my soul when I was in Paris. It was the first time I felt anything in my heart since he died. And one of the reasons it was good was that it was not a place I went to with my husband. These were fresh new memories for me at a different point in my life. What has been especially nice for me since I discovered this special place, was the anticipation for any trip I planned, so I could enjoy it for months prior to actually going. I had something to look forward to. And that’s important for you, too.

Now, you may say, well that’s great for you, but I can’t afford a trip to Paris. I actually went there pretty cheaply, as I am a bargain shopper, but you don’t have to go far to have the same experience. I have clients who have found their joys closer to home. You can find a place close by that brings you refreshment. It might be art museums, nature, a lake or the beach. Make time to get to these places.

I also had no idea how much I would enjoy concerts. I went to one with my friend about 10 months after my husband died and had a blast. It really caught me by surprise. They have been an opportunity for me to do my 80’s dancing, and sing to songs that reminded me of growing up. And now I try to do a couple a year and, again, the anticipation is good for me.

My husband wouldn’t have really enjoyed Paris or concerts. These have been new discoveries for me.

What things could you discover that might lighten your step or give you some joy in the anticipation? What new routine or activity could you do? It is important to have something to look forward to. This does not cover up the grieving process, but it gives moments of fresh breath. What could soothe your soul?

Sometimes we can feel like we are betraying our loved one by making these new memories or having a good time. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I can’t think of a better gift we could give our loved ones than having some times of pleasure or happiness.

So what could you try that is different?  Salsa dancing was the first thing I tried, which did not go well for me. I tried golf, which I found frustrating. Then, I took community tennis lessons for a month and I loved it! I have now been playing every week for 3 years. I am not very good, but I sure do enjoy it and look forward to it every week.

Check out meetup.com or Eventbrite to see what’s available in your area. Want to join a book, hiking, travel, or music group? Have you ever thought about studying a subject or learning a language? Could you see yourself enjoying creating a vegetable or flower garden? Want to travel? Take up ballroom dancing? Visit your children, relatives, grandchildren or an old friend from long ago. Volunteer somewhere.

It can be hard to take that step, but the rewards are worth it. We are not the same. Our lives are not the same. But they can still be good. They can be very good. And this is one of the ways to head in that direction.

There are times, when I am in Paris, that I am so excited to be here that I feel like a little girl again. But there are also times when I miss my husband and wish he could experience this, too. Then, I see all the lovers there, which makes me miss him terribly. Experience all the feelings that come up. Feel them. They are part of who you are. It’s okay to be happy one second and sad the next. And one day, the happy times will be greater than the sad times.

KEY POINT:

Even in the midst of this pain, there are steps we can take towards healthy grieving, by creating opportunities for us to have bright moments – even if they don’t last long. They are so good for us.

STEPPING STONES:

What could you do that could give you life and a skip in your step? What could bring you hope and excitement merely from the anticipation?

Hang in there. You’re doing great.