The Shaky Ground of Grief
Have you ever experienced an earthquake? We’ve lived in California most of our lives and have had the unsettling experience of realizing the earth isn’t always as stable as we think it should be.
In your current state of grief, you may have a sense of being on shaky ground – as though you are stumbling your way through an emotional quake. If so, you are in good company. When you experience the painful and difficult loss of a loved one, you may question virtually everything, making your world unstable.
Your view of the world around you will naturally differ somewhat from anyone else’s. Your worldview has been, in part, shaped by your relationship with your lost loved one. The closer that person is to you, and the deeper your relationship, the more your worldview will be shaken up by the loss of the person.
In reality, your world is full of variables, inconsistencies and the potential for constant change. As a human being, however, you naturally desire a “sense of stability” about your surroundings, including your relationships, if you are to function well. Most of us will instinctually try to create constancy and reliability in our lives – in the interest of our sanity.
When a big part of your reality is removed from your world, especially losing someone important and close to you, your sensation of stability in your world is understandably shaken. Sometimes people refer to a loved one as “my rock,” “my heart” or even “my world?” While these are simply terms of endearment, they communicate how vital another person can be to your sense of stability and security.
It makes sense then, doesn’t it, to feel some instability in your life after experiencing a loss? Allow yourself to feel and acknowledge the lack of stability, examine all your loved one has meant to you, and give yourself a lot of grace as you sort this out. In some ways, your world has truly been shaken. In time, you will find stable ground again, but the first step is simply to acknowledge the profound impact losing your loved one has had on you.
Questions to Ponder:
- Has the loss of your loved one left you on shaky ground? Try to describe what that feels like in your own words.
- What specific insecurities are you feeling at this time? Who might be able to help you with even one small thing so you can feel a bit more secure?
Why Don’t My Friends or Family Understand My Grief?
Often friends and family don’t seem to understand how to be with and support us when we are grieving.
Many people just are not going to understand what you are going through. They don’t know how to speak with grieving people, are uncomfortable with their emotions, and feel inadequately prepared. So, they do what most people would do in such circumstances; they find ways to avoid it, or say things that really don’t help.
Some people think they know how to be with a grieving person. But they are usually 180 degrees off course. They may try to fix you. They may say judgmental things to you that are hurtful but aren’t intended that way. They may unwisely offer platitudes and poor advice.
Before I keep dumping on your friends and family for not getting it, I want to remind you that most people don’t understand grief until they experience it. I am horrified at how poorly I supported my grieving friends before my husband’s death. How were you with your grieving friends? When I think of that, I am humbled and much less judgmental. Our friends and family need our help.
They could probably better support you if they understood your pain and what you needed from them. But, people generally aren’t prepared to step in without guidance. Who will provide that to them? Most likely – you.
People need guidance to help others who are experiencing loss. And, the guidance most often needs to come from the griever. We have a video that might help titled The Grief Letter, which is part of the Series: Relationships After Loss on MyGriefCare.com. Many of our clients have had great success with this letter idea and do it as a written letter, email or social media post or group text. The video will give you some great ideas about communicating with people who aren’t giving you the support you’d like.
If you aren’t comfortable telling people what you need, you can always share a copy of my book “When Their World Stops: The Essential Guide to TRULY Helping Anyone in Grief”. It’s a quick and easy read and will open the reader’s eyes to understanding grief and how to support grieving people.
Questions to Ponder:
- When you think about people you had hoped would support you better or more, do you think they might do better if they understood what you really need (and what you don’t need)? Are you willing to write them a grief letter?
- If you look back in the past, would you have been in a position to do a better job helping a grieving friend if you knew then what you know now? What would you have done differently?
You hold the key to getting the support and understanding you want. Kindly tell people what you need – because they have no idea, just like many of us before we lost our loved ones.